THE ART OF LOVE

Every once in a while I like to review a book I’ve been reading. This time I’m going to discuss not so much the content, but the concept, of a book that I’ve recently picked up off my shelf again on The Five Love Languages. I think they’re a good model for showing love not only in romantic relationships, but also to friends, family and others we meet, as Christ commands.

You’ve probably heard of The Five Love Languages, which is a concept from Dr. Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor and pastor, establishing that there are five primary “languages,” or methods, for expressing love to others. Chapman also says that everyone has one, or more, primary language that makes them feel most valued. The goal is for people to understand how to “speak” the language of their loved ones, understand how they personally accept love, and be able to receive—and speak—all the languages.

I already hear smirks or giggles from some who may think it’s a bunch of “psychobabble," but trust me, this is like, the best concept ever.

I’ve been enamored with The Love Languages for years. I first learned about them in a Bible Study in high school. The original book is about expressing the love languages in marriage, but the concept became so popular that books have been adapted for Singles, Teens, Kids and more. Plus, there are other “Fives” concepts (a Five Languages of Apology was released in the last couple years, which is almost as fabulous). In each book, the languages are the same but tailored to the audience. I purchased The Five Love Languages for Singles just last year, which talks about expressing love to everyone in your life. I hadn’t actually read much of it (but I’ve taken the quiz in the back like ten times), but I picked it up off my bookshelf a couple weeks ago and have been perusing sections of interest since; hence, this entry.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

Anyway, to the meat: The Five Languages. In case you don’t already know them, they are Words of Affirmation; Gifts; Acts of Service; Quality Time and Physical Touch. At a basic level, the languages are self-explanatory, but I’ll also share a few not-so-evident details about them from the book:

Language #1: Words of Affirmation
The language of “Affirming” Words has many dialects (yes, I said dialects--and that is genius!). It is expressed by:

Words of Appreciation – expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered

Words of Encouragement – “inspiring courage” in another through motivating or stimulating comments

Words of Praise – recognizing another’s accomplishments

Kind Words – choosing and expressing words in a heartwarming manner

(Five Love Language for Singles, by Gary Chapman, p. 51-54)

Language #2: Gifts: Showing love by offering thoughtful, heartfelt and tangible symbols of appreciation (No Dialects) ( p. 67)

Language #3: Acts of Service - Looking out for the needs and desires of others and offering assistance accordingly (No Dialects) (p. 80-81)

Language # 4: Quality Time - Taking a period to connect with another person. Like Words of Affirmation, it also has many dialects:

Quality Conversation – making someone feel valued through discussion. The subcategories are Quality Hearing, focusing on what the other person is saying (the opposite of Words of Affirmation) and Quality Talking, offering meaningful comments as a result of properly hearing

Quality Listening – being “sympathetic [in hearing] with a view to understanding the other person.” (p. 97)

Quality Activities – Engaging in meaningful outings or tasks with another

(p. 95 – 103)

Language #5: Physical Touch - affirming another through physical contact in a meaningful, appropriate and non-sexual manner (No Dialects) (p. 117-122)

MY LANGUAGES

I’m so fond of the languages because they’ve helped me understand the differences between how I give love and primarily receive it. It’s also helped me expand how I share love with others, as it’s meant to. Although I speak most of the love languages fluently, among them Words of Affirmation, the reality is Words of Affirmation is not even remotely my primary language. For example, I’m not much into receiving words of praise, i.e., compliments. In the past I couldn’t understand why comments such as “good job on that presentation” or “you look nice today” have so little effect on me—and at times I shrug them off. While I am learning to “receive” such compliments and they can be affirming at times, I’ve also realized that it’s just not what makes me feel the most valued.

My primary languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service, by a ridiculously wide margin.

For quality time, it’s not a “quantity” or “number of hours” thing, but what is done during that time—i.e., quality. It makes me feel valued when people take time out of their schedules, albeit a short period, to go somewhere meaningful—a place that is either important to them or me--and have good conversation there. I tend to enjoy smaller groups, or one-on-one time—because I feel like it’s such a great opportunity to connect. I also like it when I’m given—and give—undivided attention during that time, especially if it’s one-on-one; constantly checking out the new apps on the iPhone or responding to every buzz of the blackberry makes me feel insignificant, especially when I meet with someone for a short period. I also love building lasting memories with other people that are the result of quality time.

Acts of Service also are so important to me because I’m not very affected by what people say—good or bad, in my mind words are momentary—but I’m more affected by what people do. I treat words like actions, and don’t like when there’s a disconnect between what’s said and done. But the thought and effort that is often required to consider a need or desire and try to meet it with an “act” makes me so responsive to Acts of Service.

If there’s a language I’m lacking in fluency, it’s Physical Touch. I’ve always been critical of the cheap ways touch tends to be employed in our society, but the whole point of the language is not doing that. I’ve undervalued what a rub on the back or a kind hug can do to make another person feel special. I’m learning to speak this language, especially with people who hold it as their primary.

YOUR LANGUAGE(S)

I enjoy finding out others’ languages; in “quality activity” fashion, I’ve made many a friend take the quiz on a road trip. Most of the time there aren’t too many surprises in others’ scores—and we usually have some common language—hence our friendship, but every once in a while I discover there’s an additional language someone has that I’ve totally overlooked.

Also, while I can see the love languages are indeed useful for every relationship because the core "love" issues that bother us about friendships tend to be the same things that bother us about people in relationships—I can see how it’s especially useful for romantic relationships. As we often see and hear, men and women are fashioned very differently—particularly in communication. I think that, especially early on in a relationship, the love languages can help knit some of the divide that is present while initially getting to know someone romantically.

To find out your language, you can take a quiz. The online quiz is written for the marriage relationship, but the questions are the same even in the single context; the “you” in the questions would just be changed to something like “friend” or “coworker.” The maximum that you can score in any one area is 12 points. If you score the same for more than one language, you are “Bilingual.” Yes, The Love Languages have a language of interpretation “unto their own,” lol. Love it (the languages)!

WHY LANGUAGES?

I think learning to love others in many different ways is so important because of the treatment of love in God’s Word. Throughout the Bible, it is held as the highest calling. One of the great passages on love, I Corinthians 3:14-17, lists a number of virtues, but instructs us to, “above all, put on love,” because it “binds” all the other virtues in “perfect unity.”

We also cannot forget that The One who didn’t even spare His own Son did it for Love. And so I close with the ultimate command from Matthew 22: 34-40:

34Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."